"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!"
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."